Wedgies and Hash Browns- Top Ten Things I Think About At Prayer
This month, my church is meeting every morning for 21 days of prayer. I love praying corporately. I do not love 6am. Perhaps you, too, have wanted to come to morning prayer, but you worry that those who gather to pray for their nation and their neighbors are prayer warriors who skip on clouds and are so spiritual they can’t sit down. Allow me to dispel that myth. They are human, and they didn’t drink enough coffee at 5:50 to justify this 6:00 gathering. You know what, I can’t speak for the others—maybe they are angels. I am not. I accept it now.
Top Ten Things in My Head at 6am Prayer:
10. Why is Pastor Ryan so loud? Calm down, sir. And no, you don’t get eye contact this morning. Your face is also being too loud.
9. To the guy sitting in front of me. Don’t think I don’t know that you just farted.
8. Why is the music so loud? It’s not usually this loud. Holy cow, why is EVERYTHING so loud? Please, please turn down everything.
7. Ooo, my toenails are pretty.
6. Ha, look—I wouldn’t wear the jeans with gaping holes in them because they weren’t reverent enough for prayer. But I just noticed these jeans have tiny holes in them. I must have thought these were “respectful holes.” <chuckles. Pastor Ryan thinks he said something funny. Nod and go with it.>
5. If I grab a McDonald’s hash brown after this, but I make a kale smoothie at home, it cancels out the hash brown, right?
4. Speaking of jeans, if you have to pick a wedgie, pretend you’re adjusting your entire pants, not just that back section. WIN.
3. Why do chiggers pass up tons of good leg skin just to bite you on your underwear line? And why am I itching at this moment? I can’t get a spiritual hall pass from this stuff at 6am?
2. I’m just going to lie down a bit while I pray. If I position it right, maybe people will think I’m prostrating reverently, not falling asleep. DOUBLE WIN.
1. Let's wrap it up with this closing prayer for our nation, Ryan. The donkeys and elephants can duke it out themselves, I’ve got a hash brown and a day to get to. And for the love Ryan WHY ARE YOU SO LOUD.
Lest you think that the spiritual life does not inhabit fleshly bodies, well, there you go. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
Mmmmm. Flesh. Now I'm craving steak.